I’m back

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I’m back in the world of WordPress, hey!

Reading through past posts has made me realise how lucky I am to be here today and how far I have come whilst dealing with depression. Things have changed so much, I never want to stop blogging because I know that in years to come I can read this page and smile.

Whilst I’ve been away from WordPress I’ve been using a private tumblr page because a certain ex boyfriend decided that I couldn’t keep this whilst I was with him, needless to say things didn’t last much longer with him.

Planning

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I’ve found an old diary that I never wrote in, I’m using it as my planning book to weigh out my options. It’s snowing, I like the snow. When I die and I find out if there is an after life and I somehow become magical I will make it snow constantly for a whole week and then you’ll know, that I’m ok and if that doesn’t happen then at least know that my heart will have stopped and I will be at peace with myself finally and to be quite honest really I can’t fucking wait.

Decision

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There’s a place in the village I used to live in when my parents were still together and my brother lived at home, behind the houses on a hill. I sat there once when I didn’t feel like going into sixth form with nothing but my iPod and cigarettes and cried for 5 whole hours. I need to go there again soon. 

 

I think I want to die.

Late night post

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It’s 1.41am and it’s raining. I’m propped up on Shawn’s sisters bed with the window open, tranquilised. The rain is getting heavier, it’s quite cold now but I like it. I can hear birds singing quietly, it seems they don’t get all that much sleep either. I just watched a film called the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, it’s good. The main character Clementine is played by Julia Roberts. At the start of the film I said that she’s a nutcase but as the film went on I started seeing similarities I have with her, I hope that people don’t think I’m a nutcase. Probably. I wish that I could erase parts of my memory. I don’t know if I’d be the same person if I did though. I have an awful cold, I forgot to mention, I feel like shit but hopefully it will pass soon. I went to the job centre today, I sign on next Friday, hopefully I will find a job soon so I won’t let it bother me too much. It was my first step to getting the camera that I want so very much. My lips are all dry and cracked, ouchie. I’m going to tip toe across the room to find my Carmex then I shall have a cigarette and watch the rain fall and then try to fall asleep.

My thoughts are with the less fortunate people of the world, it was red nose day yesterday,  there are some amazing souls on this earth

I’m sure I’ll write again tomorrow
Good night all

Opinions

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What I don’t understand is how people know that us, as individuals are all entitled to our own opinions however because we think that our opinion is ‘right’ we have to shout out about it so everyone knows and if you come across someone who has a different opinion all hell breaks loose. I don’t do this personally because I’m a laid back kind of person but this also allows me to be easily walked all over. Something needs to change because I’m sick of being told what to do, what to believe and how to live my life.

This shit isn’t happening anymore

okay

Azealia Banks is amazing, not my usual type of music but serious, listen to her

A reminder to myself

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I can feel my good mood slowly draining away so I’ll have to type this quick. Today my good friend Amy came round to see me which was nice, we drank tea and giggled lots. I seem to have the same taxi drivers now which I like because they’re all so different and they remember me, it’s always good to be remembered. However the taxi driver I had on the way to Shawn’s was so annoying, as soon as I got in the car he said ‘I’ve got some more jokes for you’ and he doesn’t smell very nice either so I had to sit in the car for 20 minutes listening to his really not funny jokes but it’s nice to be polite. The taxi driver who drove me home from Shawn’s was my favourite taxi driver as he lets me smoke. He was the taxi driver who dropped me home the night I lost my job and he remembered and tonight he said that I seem like a confident person and that the taxi company are looking for someone to work in the office so he said to call them tomorrow and to speak to Dev, the night shift operator. So that I shall do. I’m home now and I’m quite sleepy so I should probably go to sleep before over-tiredness kicks in and then I’ll be up all night as per. That never turns out great for me in the morning. Tomorrow I am going to make my room look pretty because I have new things to put up so I will read this in the morning and I must remember not to sit around all day instead. To the future me: get out of bed you unemployed loser and make your room look pretty so that you may begin to sort your life out. Good night all x