Good Morning

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I woke up about five minutes ago, it’s 11.42am here. My sleeping pattern is all messed up, it’s so frustrating because I get so tired, I just can’t sleep and I get the most painful ache in my legs. I don’t know if it’s something common that a doctor could treat or what but I’m getting sick of the pain now, I’ve had them all my life but they are worse now than ever. I feel like all I do on here is complain but I like to treat WordPress as my diary as not many friends use this site and people always find my diaries. I haven’t cut in a while, that’s a positive. I’m still not taking meds which is hard sometimes but I think I’m controlling it. Now I’m out of work I can’t stop thinking about what life was like when I didn’t work before and we lived in little village way out of the way. It was so nice, my room was perfect, I was alone during the day but my friends drove up to see me. I used to sit outside in the summer and watch the horses in the field and sometimes the lambs would escape into our garden, they were so freaking cute. Next door had chickens too and they used to come and annoy me until I fed them bread. The bus to Shewsbury stopped right outside my house every hour which was perfect and my life was seriously great. I think that was the best year I’ve had yet. I want to live there again so bad. Me and my friend drove past last night and a new family live there now, they have a dog and they seem cosy. I’m not sure they love it as much as I did though. I’ve been trying to tidy my room for days, I moved a few things around but every time I clear a space something gets thrown into my room, it’s only tiny! I’m trying to find the motivation to get it done today as my boyfriend wants me to be at his before he gets home from work. It feels good to get the stupidest thoughts out.

 

So now I’m going to scroll through tumblr, smoke a cigarette and tidy my room. Thank you for giving me motivation WordPress, see you soon x 

Back to square one

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Apologies for not blogging in a while, a lot has gone on. I lost my job as the company I was with decided that they had no time to train me and I feel just so lost. I complained about my job a lot but I put everything I had into my work. It was fucking hard dealing with depression and hardly being able to wake up in the morning let alone find the energy to throw some clothes on and arrive at work on time. I did so much for them and I really just feel… Used. They replaced me with another guy who came two weeks before they fired me and he was pretty much just there to pick up on every little thing I was doing wrong which is unfair especially as he already knew the trade and I was meant to be getting trained into the job. What a waste of time and effort. All I can do know is take the skills that I taught myself with the job and move on to a different one. The problem is what job do I go for now? I have too many options and my mind is so full of shit to think properly. I’ve gotten over the emotional reaction now and I’ve pulled myself together, in fact I had a pretty nice day until tonight, I always mess things up and I don’t even know how. I try to make people happy and it’s never enough. 

I am finally a sponsor

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Today I finally sponsored a child, it’s something I’ve been wanting to do since I was in school and I’m so glad I’ve finally found a little girl to look after. I can’t wait to receive her drawings and pictures and to send her letters. This little girl is 5 years old, she lives in Haiti and her name is Joulna. It’s so unfair that we have so much money compared to the people living in other parts of the world and if we all just gave a little each month/ week/ day it wouldn’t make much of a difference to our bank balance but to these people it means the world. She and her friends, family and whole community are going to grow up living a better life and I’m so proud to say that I will have had something to do with it. I hope to one day go over to Haiti to visit her and to see where she lives, to meet her family and to give her the biggest hug ever. She is beautiful, I can’t wait to hear from her

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9 days until pay day

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I get so excited on the countdown to pay day and start making lists of things I want and need to buy although when the day finally comes I buy all the things I want, not the things I need and then I have no money left to buy the things I need. Happen’s every time. BUT NOT THIS TIME. No sir. I’m going to buy all the things I need such as things to make me feel a little bit prettier so that I will be happy and I’m going to save the rest in little cute pots. I need to insure myself on one of my cars first, I think I’m going to go with the cheaper option and I also need to start paying rent to my mum and step dad. And then the question is, to buy an iPhone or to not? We’ll see. I’m sure I’ll keep you posted.

A few thoughts

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Today I got to thinking, even if I don’t make anymore cuts what will I do in the summer when I won’t want to wear long sleeves, I love clothes and my pretty dresses and tops and shorts and I won’t be able to wear them. This is why I hate summer, I think about the same thing every year and just end up sitting in the house until the season’s over. Also, every can of redbull I drink my heart feels funny. And I was thinking I should probably go on a detox, starting tomorrow, just drink water. I need to buy another mac eyebrow pencil and I get paid in 10 days. Pay day always makes me happy. I’ve spent half of my wages on neurofen, I have the worst tummy pains, but not as bad as they used to be. I cried myself to sleep last night, it was sad. I miss my family being together. Listen to me, whinge whinge whinge. I finish work in 4 hours and my boyfriend wants to take me to the cinema. What should I watch? If I could sleep all year round starting tonight I would, I’m so tired I can’t think straight.